I Couldn't Save You
by ChopStickGirl120
Summary: Kutner helped Taub out when he most needed it. Now Taub regrets not picking up on the signs of his best friend's suicide as he visits the grave. One-shot TaubxKutner


A/N:

Yeah, first HOUSE M.D. fic…but after Kutner's death, I just couldn't hold it in anymore. It's TaubxKutner if you squint. Sorry if it's not your taste. Comments and flames are both welcome.

Disclaimer: I DO NOT own HOUSE M.D….xD lol.

Xxxxxxxxxx

A simple touch can last a lifetime. A smile goes a long way. Kind words can make you feel better…. and a favor will always be remembered.

_Flashback:_

"_Hey Taub" Kutner plopped himself down next to the other doctor. Chris Taub didn't answer. Instead, he looked away from the younger man, almost as if he were embarrassed about something, "Are you okay?" Lawrence Kutner was an observant man. He knew that something was wrong, but sometimes it took more than a shrink—or a concerned friend---to pry into his troubles._

"_Nothing you should be concerned about" He managed to choke out. He tried to hide the emotion from his co-worker._

"_You can't hide the tears from me, Chris" Kutner's hand was now on Taub's cheek, wiping away a warm tear that was traveling down his face. Chris's hand twitched for a moment, like he was going to cast Kutner's hand far away. But no, his hand lay content while the sports medicine specialist kept his hand on Taub's cheek. The plastic surgeon felt the warmth of Kutner's hand on his cheek. He was frozen. Kutner shifted to face his friend, his chocolate-colored eyes looking into the other's hazel. Chris couldn't hold it back… Kutner always had a weird way of making him give in._

"_We fought again" Taub quickly specified, "Rachel and I" Kutner quickly pulled away his hand. That gesture shocked Taub by it's suddenness, but before he could respond, Kutner pulled him into a hug._

"_Were you on the couch again last night?" Kutner whispered into Taub's ear._

"_After that fight…" Taub stopped to collect himself, " I wasn't even __**home **__last night" Before any more tears could evolve in Taub's eyes, before he had a chance to whimper, before he could show any more weakness, Kutner held on tighter. Chris was shaking lightly, trying to hold in the tears by muffling his face into Kutner's shoulder. Kutner laid his hand softly on the back of Taub's head, "I don't even know if I love her anymore…"_

"_I know it must hurt" Kutner tried to keep his low voice rather hushed, "I __**know**__ you love her…you gave up the job you loved to do, for her." Kutner bit his lip, knowing that what he just said was not going to console him, but probably make the older doctor cry harder. He wasn't taking any chances, though. He quickly added something else in his attempt to comfort Chris Taub, "Love hurts…sometimes when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated…but you need to see that just because Rachel might not be in your heart, that doesn't mean you don't have the people around you that wanna help you get—"_

_Taub cut off Kutner's sentence, "Nobody cares about Rachel and I. House has got the whole team convinced that I'm a dirty-cheating pig" He held in a sob, "I didn't deserve her to begin with"_

"_Don't say that. I care. And besides, who really respects House's opinion enough to listen to him?" Kutner smiled, "I mean, if we all listened to him, we'd all be afraid that Foreman would shank us, that you would try to cheat with us, that thirteen goes around whining about how she's gunna die, and that I, well, you get my point," Kutner broke off their tight embrace and laid a hand on each of Taub's shoulders. He made sure that their eyes were linked once more. He was serious, "You put yourself down too much…and you get put down…and if she puts you down too…then she doesn't deserve you"_

_Taub had been comforted by Kutner before, after all, they were colleagues, friends. But this was different. Never had he seen so much emotion come out of this man. It was somehow refreshing to finally see a new side of his up-beat friend._

"_I appreciate that you're trying to make me feel better, but I already know where my marriage is heading…" Chris looked away, "And where my life is heading…no where…"_

_A cold chill came over Kutner and an expression of horror appeared on his face, "You don't mean…you're actually…" He blinked hard and lowered his hands from Chris's shoulders to his forearms and squeezed tightly, "Please don't say that you're contemplating suicide…" Even thought Taub wouldn't admit it, Kutner knew that the other doctor had attempted to kill himself before previously and almost succeeded. There was no telling what he could do…what kind of drugs he had access to._

"_Kutner…" Taub began, but before he could continue, Kutner started to speak._

"_I can see it in your eyes…that look…like everything is hopeless…like there isn't an answer…there isn't a solution," He paused, " It's like…like you wanna think that there's an answer to your troubles…but you know…you know that there isn't. And even if there was…you wouldn't have the will to find it"_

"_How do you…" Chris tried to ask how Kutner knew how he felt, but again, he was interrupted. _

"_Please…have the courage to live" Kutner's eyes swelled up with tears, "Anyone can die"_

_Taub quickly loosened out of Kutner's grip so he could wrap his own arms around the other, "It'll be okay…" Taub let their eyes connect again, "Lawrence…I promise…I wont" and then a smile only Kutner could make was widespread across the young doctor's face, as tears rolled down his caramel-colored skin. It all seemed okay._

_**END FLASHBACK**_

_xxxxxxxxx_

"He didn't say anything….to any of you"

House's words buzzed around in Taub's head. He knew it. Kutner gave so many signs that day…but he was too busy being wrapped up in his own troubles to notice how much Kutner was hurting. He could have helped…maybe even prevented it. He shut his eyes tightly…he was there.

He pulled his car around and parked. The cemetery. He took the keys out of the ignition and took a deep breath. He wasn't sure if he was ready. After sitting in his car for a few minutes of silence, he clutched onto the door handle.

There was a paved cement path leading up to the entrance. Every step he took made him more scared…more anxious. The clicks that his dress shoes made on the ground scared him…knowing that he was one step closer to his friend's grave. He played it through his head what he was going to do when he got there. Just…place the flowers by his tombstone and say a few words…for Kutner. No. Big. Deal.

And there, up on a hill, was his grave. He wasn't exactly whole, considering he was cremated, but his parents couldn't bear to keep the ashes. Instead, they buried them by his gravestone until they could make arrangements to scatter his ashes in space because of his obsession with Star Trek. He probably would've liked it that way.

He knelt down at the gravestone, biting his lip so hard that a little stream of blood ran down his chin, "I feel crazy…just talking to you" Taub looked at the ground when he laid the flowers on the dirt, "Cause I know—I know you're not there" The wind blew harshly, yet the sky was baby blue and it was warm out. It reminded him of Kutner. When you look out your window and see clear blue skies, its safe to say that it's going to be nice out. But you walk out there, and the wind almost blows you away. The blue skies was what Kutner made everyone think he was…happy. But he was really windy on the inside…and you would never know.

"I've been trying to figure out what to say…" Taub started…but his thoughts were interrupted by a flashback of what Kutner had said that day, "Sometimes when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated" His words were shaky, " If you only knew how ironic those words were…how much truth…" Chris's eyes shut once more, " IDIOT!" He said through clenched teeth as he pounded his fist against the fresh dirt, "You hypocrite! You-you told me to have the courage to live…because anyone can die…and then…"He breathed, "And you killed yourself. You- you…"

Chris bowed down so the top of his head touched the gravestone.

"You-you helped me, you…" Tears rolled down his face. He didn't hide them, Kutner wouldn't like that, "I'm sorry….I couldn't save you…"


End file.
